Backpacking through the Universe

2004-04-22T14:56:00.000-07:00

I’m in Atlanta, Georgia. Or, as the excitable man sitting next to me on the bus from Tampa liked to call it, “Hotlanta!” Today, I visited the Coca Cola factory, where they produce Earth’s most popular beverage. Definitely try some if you’re ever here. It’s so good, you’ll swear it’s addictive.

A famous human entertainer was indicted today. In their legal system, this means he has been deemed guilty enough to stand trial in order to determine if he’s, like, totally guilty. Okay, so I skimmed the book on Earth law. It just seemed so embarrassingly ineffective.

Oh, here’s the funny part. The entertainer? Looks exactly like my Uncle Gorflax (if he was wearing one glove). I’m curious why this man’s being tried as a civilian when he appears to be dressed in military garb. Maybe I’d better read that law book after all. But first I’m heading to the machine for another Coke.

2004-04-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

Bad news. Looks like I'm going to have to cancel my trip to Iraq. I was particularly looking forward to visiting the fertile crescent in which human civilization first thrived. Also, the guys there have got some great moustaches.

So why can't I go? The news described the area as unsafe. I know we're not to trust human television but this information was described as both "fair" and "balanced".

From what I can tell, the problem was caused by ignorant religious fanatics whose ideologies are based on the violent teachings of humankind's Middle Ages. Luckily, things are much more enlightened where I am now. Someplace called Jacksonville.

Since we haven’t had war back home for eons, it can be a little unsettling – all this religious fervor incited by violence. So, tonight I’m going to cheer myself up by watching the most popular entertainment here in Jacksonville, “The Passion of the Christ”.

2004-04-06T14:34:00.000-07:00

I spent yesterday at Epcot Center, a model of the entire Earth right here in Orlando. I thought this would be a good primer before I see the real thing. I can't wait to see the actual China, because this one had terrific sweatshirts and mugs.

Today, I journeyed to Panama City Beach where I learned much about dating on Earth. Our texts back home teach us that human women are attracted to men who possess certain precious resources, such as gold or diamonds. This information is sorely outdated. It is true that material possessions can win over the female human, but gold will only get you so far. What you need are colorful plastic beads.

Clearly the most precious resource on the planet, women will degrade and debase themselves at the mere sight of a florescent magenta necklace. Something this valuable can't be easy to find, but they appear to originate from Hong Kong. Had I known, I would have gone there first.

Tonight, I'm going to watch the reflection of the stars in their vast blue ocean. Also, it's dollar shooters at Senior Frog's.

2004-04-04T22:00:00.000-07:00

As you guys know, I didn't want to jump right into a job after graduation, so I convinced my parents to let me do some traveling. They actually bought the whole "finding yourself" thing. Sadly, I'm not going to have time to keep in touch with each of you lovely people. But I thought I'd post to this blog so you can keep track of what's up with your boy. By the way, I decided to go backpacking through Earth. I was originally planning to go to Neptar 8, but I heard it's overrun with tourists and I want the real thing.

I chose to land in a place called Florida because that's where they land their "spaceships" and I thought it would be ironic. Today was pretty much a travel day and not much happened. Just the usual - hid my pod, assumed human form, and checked into a Residence Inn by Marriott. I've studied all the human dialects, but I'm not sure if the guy at the reception desk was Southern, gay, or both.

I was pretty exhausted after the intergalactic journey and the cab ride through Orlando, so I decided to stay in for the night. The entertainment here is pretty good but short. I watched several humans have sex for about fifteen seconds before the screen went to black. I was able to do this several times. Also, they get Dr. Phil.

Anyway, I'd better get some sleep. It's a small world, but I wanna see it all. By the way, the street signs here are just like ours, except in English and on the ground.